It’s been quite awhile since an actual life update! eek! Blogging > hand-written journalism..by no means, but oh what a blessing that a keyboard can get out my thoughts faster than my little tendinitis-ridden hand!
A quick debriefing:
So, during Norah’s third month of life I began working at a Chinese/American day school in Plano. I saw during her third month of life because that it when it started and ended. I thought that God was calling me to work at the school because this would introduce Norah to the Chinese language at such a young age and also provide more opportunities for me to prepare for the culture Josh and I so long to minister to. With that being said, God is tremendously glorious and sovereign. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that He led me to the school for a purpose, but that was not for me to stay there. It was for sin to be revealed, ambitions to be refocused, and Christ to be exalted. Thankfully I was placed with an unbelieving Chinese woman, Grace, to teach a classroom full of two-year-olds (primarily Chinese speaking). My previous experience teaching in China back in 2009 proved most beneficial as I was with little ones then as well. My and Grace’s conversations were by far my favorite part. As the school is considered a Christian school, I was able to hear her perspectives as to how she thought it was ran, and why she believed that she could not become a Christian because of several factors. (Praise be to God who draws man to Himself!) Many things were unsettling, though that is not the point at this time. The most trying thing for me was hearing my baby cry across the hall while in the infant room. Every lunch break I would cry and ask God to help me get through hearing her and not being able to run to her aid. After two weeks of internal battle, God used my sweet husband to state that this was just not necessary and I needed to quit. Oh, how I wanted to so badly! Financially, we were not relying on this position. Mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually, I had no business working two jobs equaling 60 hours per week. The work hours were most strenuous. Norah and I would leave the house at 7:45 and return home at 6:45. By the time we got home, I had to prepare her for bed immediately and then clock in to work from home for the company I have been working for for the past two years. (I thought it would be safest to keep that as a part-time job for just 20 hours/week just in case.) It was craziness! So all that to say that I put in my notice of after two weeks, and have never looked back since. Thankfully I have two wonderful friends (Grace and an American teacher that goes to The Village Church as well) through the whole experience. Above all else, here are my lessons learned and places where I see God’s sovereign hand over the whole situation:
I am not God. I am put a human, required to rest in the Lord each night so that I can properly function the next day. I see how God used this whole experience to reveal a terrible sin of mine–> self-reliance. I have been known to deny sleep to accomplish tasks. How such behavior puts a disgusting taste in my mouth now where as years back I used it as grounds for boasting in myself!
God has called me to be a mother. A stay-at-home/work-from-home mother. I love taking care of my baby! I see now how attached to her I am, and it’s wonderful/mysterious how God so fashions a mother’s heart to her child! My ears were made to prick up when I hear her cry and my legs to run to her side- gladly Working at the school revealed yet another sin- my idolatrous heart with Norah. My protection over her (I have mentioned in a previous post how I struggled with letting Josh help me with her) cannot become paramount. My all means I should protect her, don’t get me wrong, but to the point where I am not trusting in the Lord- now that is sin. I am eternally grateful for God bringing such selfishness to the surface of my heart. Now I am gladly staying at home with my baby throughout the day- working occasionally during her naps and after she sleeps (while Josh is in class after he gets off work that is). Working twenty hours/week, is a small feet compared to sixty. Again, praise be to God who sustains his children even when they act in rebellion.
God has called me to be a wife. Oh how I love every second with my wonderful Josh! Being one flesh with him to demonstrate Christ and his bride is by far my greatest interaction on this earth. The most sanctifying. The most intimate. And by all means, the most challenging. Working such hours proved a tremendous detriment to our relationship. I was almost always tired when I was done working and could not provide the encouragement he needed as he is a full time student along with working 40/week as a maintenance tech. God used this time to show how loved I am by my husband though, which is a beautiful thing! I often put a burden on myself that I need to honor him in such a way that he is always satisfied. That is impossible. We as humans can never satisfy one another. That is solely for God to do. My sin in the past of trying to do so has left me wanting and frustrated when I do not get the responses I have foreshadowed. God used Josh as the active agent in me having the courage to quit. He showed me how God had let me do this to see HIS power in me, but now it was time for me to go back to my first love – God. And continue in the roles he has placed me- and ultimately where my heart is – mommy, wife, and bankruptcy analyst.
Lesson 4: God truly is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him. It has been almost three years now since God revealed such sovereign truth to me and Josh through reading Desiring God. I am most satisfied in Him when I see Him more clearly through His word. I need time to peruse this text! I am most satisfied in Him when I have time to commune with Him in the closet. I need time for this as well! I am most satisfied in Him when I can stop and simply contemplate his good work throughout my life, the lives of those around me, throughout the world, and in history. Again, time required!
God really is about His glory, and He would even hide His face from me for a season to show me how glorious He is and just how much it hurts to be away from Him. What a longing I had and how good (words cannot express!) it feels to be back in His arms – praising and pleading.
“Centuries of expectations…a baby…100% human, 100% God. The Word became flesh and was here to dwell among us..Jesus. God has made himself known for the glory of his name..this child would one day rise to the throne as king but it would not be by sword..it would be by his life…he would be obedient to the point of death..so just 33 years after he laid swaddled in the hay, he hung on a tree suffocating, dying in our place..he took that punishment..he died. No breath. No heartbeat. no sign of life…the penalty of our sin=death. That’s what Christ did on that cross. And then just three days later, in accordance with the Scriptures, he was raised from the grave..Lungs breathing. Heart pumping…the things that he promised were true. He is the risen Son of God offering life to me and you…”